Knowing Me.

At the moment, there seems to be a constant in my life: that I keep evaluating every possible outcome.

And recently there seems to be a question everyone is willing to keep asking me: when will I start dating again?

The two things are pretty prevalent in my life right now, and the need to constantly evaluate my position in the here and now, answers the latter question whilst also allowing me to look to the future. No matter how much you try to live in the “now”, you’ll always be drawn to thinking of the future.

Would I like to find a significant other? Yeah, probably. Is it a priority to me? No, not at all. The reason it isn’t a priority to me, is because I’ve made it a priority for so long. I have been so eager to fit the mould of being “happy” that I’ve actually sacrificed every piece of happiness I could have had. I don’t know the type of person I’d want to be with, but I have tried many different models, I have been engaged 3 times, all of which have failed, and it has finally sent the message to my brain: these people just weren’t right for me.

In my head, I begin to add up all the pieces of people that I liked, what I wanted from these people and what I hope for in the future. To get all of those things wrapped up into one person is hard, and at the moment, this list is one that needs to be worked out so that I know what is important, what is a compromise and what really doesn’t matter.

To do all that though, I need to know what sort of person I am, and I already know that is difficult. Introspection is hard, and often biased because you’ll play down your bad habits. So somehow, I need to find a way to make myself just admit to my own bullshit and work on it. Should someone love me as is? Yeah, the fairytale way of doing things is living that dream, but it’s not always the best way to be. I don’t want my head in the clouds.

Not only that, but there is this idea that really, I should love myself first. This isn’t me saying that I hate myself, because I don’t, except when I cave to cravings for a tube of Pringles and demolish them and tell myself it was alright – it was alright, just greedy.

Knowing me, right now, I’ll want too much from another person, and either give too much or too little in return. I know who I am as in, what my beliefs are, what I do within my life, but it’s the little things that I have to discover and address about myself. What is really a good thing, and what is really a bad thing?

In many ways, these are open for interpretation to anyone who comes along, but at least I’ll have my checklist of what is there on offer.

I am not ready to date, nor add another person to my life, but I know that my life is being built up to where it should be.

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