Fear Itself.

 

It has been quite some time since I paid some serious attention to the current state of my body, and just exactly where I am in the grand scheme of being healthy. My diet has changed dramatically, and my physical activity varies wildly depending upon the time I have spare outside of work. Granted, I have stopped lifting weights and using my cross trainer, but in the absence of both of those, I have begun riding my bike a hell of a lot more.

There was a time, when I was obsessed with weighing myself, to the point that even though my weight wasn’t really low, it was an unhealthy obsession of checking something that fluctuated daily. Since I moved into my own place last October, I haven’t had a pair of scales at home, nor have I used any elsewhere, just because I wasn’t so bothered.

However, my new determination to get back to where I was in 2014 has prompted me to question just exactly where I am, despite apprehension of the results. So, I logged onto a few shopping websites and started looking for a pair of scales. Previously, I was only bothered about how heavy I was, but now it’s more than that. I have a desire to know the rest of the information, rather than trying to work it out for myself. Do I really want to sit and try to calculate my BMI? And what about my body fat?

Suffice to say, after an hour or so browsing, I found a pair of scales, that do all the extra bits, and for a relatively low price, although I have to input the data myself into my Apple Health app. I bought them, and waited until the next morning to try them out.

Was I happy with where I am now? No, I’m not. I have literally undone two years worth of work to find myself back in the same place I was in 2012. But, there’s one thing that I now know; I’ve done it once, and I can do it again.

My problem will forever be that I am an emotional eater, and that I also don’t always regulate my portion sizes; issues I can definitely address and alter within time. Although, with saying that, my emotional state has been pretty level pegging for a while now, and I have remained on the right side of it, although portion control is always big, but now without the added animal fats, it’s not so bad.

I have already rekindled the obsession however, and I’m having to hold myself back from jumping on the scales every morning. It’s just that I think I should have lost weight nearly every day, when in reality, it fluctuates too wildly for it to be that accurate. For now, and because I can’t quell the obsession all that well just yet, it’ll be every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, until I get it into my head that just one reading a week will suffice.

There will always be a sense of dread when it comes to me and a set of scales, and I think that will remain even when I have achieved my goal again. It’s that sense of fear from what the reading will be, and what the means for my self-confidence, self-image and how I perceive others will view me. But with that being said, I am trying not to let it ruin my mood, yes, I am now back at a terrible starting point, but I know that I can end where I did in 2014, and maybe even further beyond that point.

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2 thoughts on “Fear Itself.

  1. I understand that weighing yourself every day can be considered obsessive, but that is exactly what I do. I bought a set of scales that have an app that records the data when I step on the them.

    Initially, I weighed myself infrequently and would be very stressed about weight gain or lack of quick loss. Then I saw a programme about weight loss that suggested it was better to weigh more frequently.

    While I still have a bit of stress comparing with the previous day when I weigh, I’m calmer when I look at the app and can see the general trend downward. Sure, it’s a wavy line, I’m frequently doubtful on the accuracy of the scales, but when the app averages out the weights I can see the general trend downwards, and I’m happy with that. (Although my body fat seems to stay constant, sadly)

    Ultimately you have to find the weighing routine that works for you. For me, weighing every day has made me realise my weight probably jumps about on a daily basis, but on average, it is going in the right direction to my goal.

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    1. It’s definitely about finding a balance, but I unfortunately become too obsessed and it leads to feelings of failure if I don’t see a big enough change, so for me, it’s about not weighing myself all the time and rely on noticing changes in my body. But each to their own, for sure.

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