Temporary.

I have started over and over again with fitness regimes in order to lose weight and regain something that I willingly lost in 2014. I’ve always been a big guy, and for the most part, I can pull it off because I am tall and broad. But I am perpetually thrown against a wall of inadequacy that I just can’t seem to break through.

The last week has given me time to think in the absolute solitude I found myself in, and it threw up some bits that I wish had never seen the light of day, but never the less, it has lit a fire under my ass in order to whip my life back into shape.

The thing is, I am happy with the way I am for the most part. I will continue to preach body positive messages whenever I feel the need, and I wish never to impose feelings of inadequacy on someone based on the way they look. The fact of the matter is, I am not healthy.

Well, I say I’m not healthy, I’m not a healthy weight, and by that, I don’t mean a healthy BMI, and here’s why: the Body Mass Index in which we are imposed to live in, is a highly flawed method in which to record if someone is of a healthy weight, because that’s all it does: records your weight. There is no differentiation between what weight is muscle, and what weight is fat, and so you could have 0% body fat but still have an unhealthy BMI.

Back in the day of my old blog, Sus Avarus, I recorded a very mundane year of my life where I talked purely about my weight loss, or lack there of because I didn’t have the right motivations. Now, I have this blog, and it’s all change. The difference is easy to spot: I won’t weigh myself. This time around, I want to lose weight based on how I feel when I look at myself. Now, I’m not self-hating for the majority of the time, except when my low mood hits, so I’m hopeful and confident this will work out for the best.

But what is my motivation this time around? Well my motivation is simple: Everything in my life is good, except this. I’m not saying this is awful, but it’s pretty much the last piece of the puzzle that needs slotting into place.

Now, body positive messages aside for a minute, there is one thing that caused me to name this post the way I did: every state we are in, is only temporary.

Yes, it’s true. Every state we are in is only temporary. It’s never going to be permanent unless we surrender to it and allow something to take hold and become permanent. I let myself go a lot, and I relapse into bad eating habits a lot of the time, but often it’s because I lack the time to prepare meals to eat when I have been at work all day. Sometimes I eat late, sometimes I don’t eat at all, but they’re all pretty much bad eating habits.

So, right now, my temporary state of feeling unhealthy will come to an end as I enter my temporary state of wanting to change it. This time however, I’m going to stick to it, because there’s a lot of my own personal reasons riding on this effort. It’s time to reclaim what I lost back in 2014!

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